Grief | what yoga gave to me...

Four days ago a close friend of mine lost her father. It was unexpected, and shocking to everyone. My friend is someone who always emits hope, confidence, and optimism, and it pains me to try to imagine the hurt and sadness she and her family are experiencing right now. Yoga this week has felt different for me. Jen talked about how great it has been making her feel, and to be honest I don’t think I can say the same. On class on Monday night, a class I attend regularly and am used to, I almost threw up. I felt dizzy, couldn’t catch my breath, and really thought I might have to leave. Tuesday I was frustrated and my muscles were tight. I couldn’t balance, and I was getting angry about dumb things..the girl next to me was too close, why was the guy in front of me in a shirt that looks like a wetsuit, that girl should not be wearing just a sports bra. These thoughts are not what I normally think in yoga…why was I judging everyone around me? Wednesday, the same thing, I even left class before Shavasana. I couldn’t fathom experiencing five minutes of silence and peace. Thursday I didn’t go to yoga at all. I went to intense cardio class where I could sweat and jump and lift heavy things. I couldn’t think because the music was too loud and I could compete with those around me. This made me feel better. Why? I think it’s Guilt. I feel such a sense of guilt that my friend, who I love, has to go through something so hard and there is nothing I can do. Why should I get to experience happiness, peace, joy, confidence, all the things a yoga class brings, when she is experiencing the exact opposite. I almost think I was subconsciously ruining the classes for myself so that I wouldn’t feel happy, calm, relaxed. I thought yoga would help but it didn’t. I guess sometimes what we think we need is not always the solution. It’s confusing and can be frustrating, but that’s life. I am going to continue to practice because it has become a part of my life now, and I know that it will feel good again, but for now I am going try and listen to advice from a friend and try to spin my guilt into sadness and compassion.

-Ali

“The power of Yoga is immense and priceless. I am grateful.”

-Desiree Rumbaugh

“The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing… not healing, not curing… that is a friend who cares.”

-Henri Nouwen